Alex James: On Head, Heart & Home
Often what’s going on in our heads manifests in our homes as clutter.
In this interview, I was delighted to chat with Alex James, a global professional leadership coach. Alex works with leaders of multi-billion dollar businesses and has worked with people worldwide to help them become more impactful and transform how they think and feel.
Alex James, Global CEO Coach
Alex, I know a little about your journey, but I’d love to understand more. How did you get into your work today as a leadership coach?
So I started out studying at university for a bachelor of design, but after two years in that course, I wasn’t enjoying it. I was working in retail and was excelling. They offered a full-time leadership position which I ended up taking, and that completely changed the trajectory of my career.
It was a large retail chain, and I was managing small stores by age 18/19 and winning many awards. By age 24, I was managing teams of 25 people and was responsible for things like P&Ls, hiring, firing, and facilitating full-day training sessions after national recruitment drives.
That’s impressive Alex!
At the time, I didn't think it. I stayed with that company for eight years; it was all I knew. It wasn't until I grew into other industries and got a lot of different experiences that I realised how much I had been doing at such a young age.
It was an excellent platform for my career. I became known for going into a store, turning it around and training people to become leaders. Years later, I'm still friends with many of these people, and they still reach out to me for mentoring.
I grew into working with many different, excellent businesses in varied roles. Still, over time I learnt that the time I spent coaching and training, and leading people was directly correlated with the amount of satisfaction and my performance in a role. So it just wouldn't work for me whenever I strayed from there.
One evening, I was telling my brother how I was unhappy in my current position and didn't know what I wanted to do with my life or my next role. He said, “why don't you be a coach? You’d be amazing”. I told him, “I’d love to be a coach, but I can't be. Like, who am I to be able to coach people?” Such a cliche, but this was a total light bulb moment!
From that night, I started looking at where I could study coaching. I needed to know the complexities and the theories and the ethical use of it and, you know, what it meant to be an excellent coach. I enrolled in a three-year advanced coaching course and re-enrolled at the master's level. It was 18 months into the study I quit my corporate role and went in full-time.
I love those light bulb moments, Alex. I had a similar one when I started this business.
Many women we work with will tell us they are unhappy at work. What were the things in your day-to-day telling you it was time for a change?
Great question, Lisa. So the main one is PAIN. I would've rated my experience a 7/10, and a 7/10 is a dangerous place to be. The pain of change is perceived as greater than the pain of staying the same. What can be a real gift is when something gets thrown into the mix, or a change happens, and that pain increases. At the time, it doesn't feel like a gift. It feels freaking awful.
There’s a line I remember hearing by Michael Bernard Beckwith that stuck with me. It was on an Oprah Super Soul session at the time.
“Pain pushes until the vision pulls”.
I was internally poached for a more senior role. It was incredibly challenging in some excellent ways. I loved being challenged, but it took me further from the coaching aspects I loved. And it ultimately forced me to follow my vision.
I've had a similar experience. I missed out on a big promotion. It was a drawn-out process. I was devastated by it. But in reflecting on that process, I started to question everything about the career I was in.
I think it’s a specific type of pain. It's almost this sort of soul-searching. I started to look at the executives whose path I was following. I went, hang on a second. Is that what I want, and why do I want that? I remember trying to google search, “How do you find your purpose?”
The pain pushed me, and I consciously approached the problem with curiosity. I invested in following my curiosity without judgment.
We've been on similar paths in going it alone, starting a business, creating your income stream from nothing and no longer relying on the corporate paycheck. How's that been for you? Are there any particular challenges you've faced or learnings you've had about yourself?
Oh gosh. So many. The biggest challenge of the first year was fear of judgment. From an evolutionary perspective, going out alone is like leaving the tribe; it can feel incredibly unsafe. Secondly, you must rediscover yourself without your job title. We don’t realise how attached we are to them until we face letting go of them.
Also, in the first year, you do much planning and research and invest all this time on things you think you need, like websites and business cards, business plans and Excel spreadsheets.
I wasted time planning and doing all that ‘corporatey’ stuff. What I know now as a coach is it was all procrastination. Trying to make it perfect was me avoiding doing the hard thing, which was being seen.
I guess the other challenge was I wanted to work on my business every day, all day. I loved what I was doing but was exhausted because I was doing it too much.
Come the second year in business, it was knowing who to listen to and follow. I think in this world, there are so many people selling you the shiny strategy. Discerning the people of integrity in an online world, it’s challenging.
That’s so true, Alex. Those fears sit down in your belly, and even when you’ve been out there a while, they still come up now and again. Can you tell us a bit more about the sort of people you help? What's the pain they're feeling when they look you up?
Great question. They’re mostly founders, CEOs, or executive leaders and primarily underconfident overachievers. If you met them, you would see them as very confident, because they're very successful. But deep down, they struggle with a lot of self-doubt.
They’re intelligent, often creative, and adventurous. The problem is in the lives they’ve created for themselves, they’re not expressing that creativity or experiencing that adventure.
They desire to make the most out of life but lack this sense of purpose and fulfilment and feel like they aren’t achieving their full potential.
They say they want more balance but are too caught up in this rat race. They have this codependent relationship with their work. Their work has become their identity.
They’re experiencing constant low-level or even high-level anxiety and stress, sacrificing their well-being and health for their work.
If you ask, “tell me who you are without mentioning what you do”, they struggle to answer. They almost lose sight entirely of what they truly desire because they've spent their whole lives just chasing what the world told them they should.
I coach them to become better leaders of themselves, which as a result, helps them become far better leaders of others.
I can understand that, from my early twenties to my early forties, that’s where I was. I just worked to be successful and get the job title, the salary, the house, and the possessions. Much of it was tied to my ego of who I wanted to be seen as.
I think you get to a point where you suddenly look around and think is this it? Is this what's going to fulfil me for the next however many years?
As you know, we're passionate about helping female executives and business owners simplify their lives and home, so they can focus on what's important.
I think this is where some of the stuff we talk about merges because I think sometimes what we see in people's homes is the manifestation of a focus on the indicators of success and searching for the things that make you happy.When you’re searching for something else, you can search for that in the shops, leading to clutter problems.
How do you see those pain points in people's day-to-day behaviours? What are the things people tell you they do?
For the first three years of my business, I specifically specialised in working with women. There are some distinct, unique challenges that women experience and how they manifest.
One of the consistent patterns I found working with almost every woman is this constant busyness and chasing achievement to prove their worth. They over-commit, take too much responsibility and lack boundaries, leading to resentment, underearning and overworking.
The day-to-day behaviours look like people-pleasing, spending money on things they perceive will make them feel more worthy and attractive. Then there’s mindless eating, drinking, and shopping.
In terms of the clutter in the homes, one of the biggest things I see is because they're so stressed and unfulfilled, they're looking for that dopamine hit from buying something.
The world has told them they need to look perfect and be perfect, and they're afraid of judgment and want to feel worthy. So, they're left looking for fulfilment from the wrong things.
There's this theory by social psychologist and philosopher Eric Fromm. He talks about how we have two needs: The HAVING needs and the BEING needs. The having needs are the purchase type things, and then the being needs are the inner transformation and growth needs.
In the modern world, there's confusion when we try to solve the being needs with the having mode. There’s this desire to become someone more, fulfil a purpose, and have a meaningful life. But because you can't find that, there’s this addiction of just trying to have more stuff to solve that problem. If you haven't been able to solve the problem, the world tells you, you need more and more things.
To your point, it’s a complex problem, but I do see it manifest in shopping.
When happiness comes from the simplest of things in life
Yes, Alex, a few years ago, I’d have, had a stressful day at work, then doing all the home stuff, gotten the kids off to bed and I’d be like, I’ll hop online. What can I get? Oh, the little dopamine hit feels so good.
Over time, I realised I wasn’t making myself happy. I felt guilty and wasteful. And it was always like, well, what's the next thing? Then you start looking around your house, having got all these things that I don't even need or use?
It amazes me the feelings of joy that I now get from the most simple ridiculous things—on a sunny day, walking down the street and feeling like life's grand.
They're never from the purchasing anymore.
But why are we, as women, so bad at prioritising our well-being? Women seem to struggle with making that investment in themselves but will happily spend $’000s on that new handbag! What do you think drives that?
It’s down to self-worth and the way that women perceive themselves. I was shocked when I moved to coach men and women at the differences in how they invested in themselves. Men don't question whether they're worth the investment. Men see themselves as an investment. Women will see themselves as last on the list for what should be invested in.
I'll never forget I was on a call with a potential client. I could sense she knew coaching with me was the thing for her. She resonated with what I spoke about, and she needed help. But she was saying she couldn't afford it right now.
While we were on the call, the doorbell rang, and she returned and said, “Oh, it's one of my packages, the doorbell's ringing constantly at the moment. I even bought this handbag the other day. It was thousands of dollars.” I was like, “You're telling me in this one conversation that you've just spent the equivalent of one month of coaching on that cr*p?”
She's now been my client since and had an incredible transformation.
Women find it much more challenging (thanks to conditioning) to see themselves as worthy of investment. This is devastating because it means more men are getting further ahead, widening the gap. The way women spend is often keeping women playing small.
The second huge insight I got working with women and men was the concept of “deserving”. It's not a paradigm men think from. So when a woman thinks, oh, I don't know if I deserve that salary, or I don’t know if my qualifications deserve that role etc - that’s a thought process men don’t have. Men never think about deserving a salary or deserving they’re offered. If offered, they accept it and take it far more at face value. It's just crazy!
Do you see that deserving piece as linked to how women have been conditioned to believe we're inferior?
Yes, it's a social conditioning piece, and this one is a little bit subtler. On the surface, you can't directly correlate it because it's not like we said, “Oh, women have to do something to deserve this, and men don’t.”
So it's subtler, which means those things are more dangerous, right? Because we don't necessarily, have an acute awareness of the patterns when they play out.
For men, I think it's partly because they're seen as providers, so earning a lot of money is perceived as their right, path, and purpose. Women almost feel this like, oh, we're lucky, we are lucky to be receiving that, or we need to work hard to have that.
When you go on this journey with the women you work with, how does their thinking change from that? Do you see their self-worth growing?
Yes. And what's interesting is we don't have sessions specifically around - How do I help you stop shopping? We don't even talk about that. You know, it's a symptom. Shopping is a symptom of the underlying problem: they're unhappy, unfulfilled, and trying to avoid their life experience.
The stress and the pressure of their work, the unfulfillment in what they're doing, the pressure to be this perfect person and the feeling of shame around their body.
Once the person sees themselves for who they are, that they're freaking brilliant, they start to realise they can do work they enjoy.
Sometimes they change roles; sometimes, they find ways to enjoy the one they're in.
Once they start cultivating more relationships that help them feel more fulfilled, worthy, and happier, once they build that life… which is not as hard as they think it’ll be… they don't have to focus on the discipline to stop buying or, you know, the discipline to get to the gym more.
It's like you start to want to do the things that are good for you more, and you don't need to run from and avoid life. So you no longer do all the unresourceful strategies to fill that need.
What I’ve found interesting is it doesn't mean that you don't like nice things. You just become a lot more choiceful and less wasteful. It’s no longer escapism or craving. It's more of a considered approach to the things that add value to life.
I think people often think minimalism is, you know, you're living in a blank room, and you've got no personality. But it’s actually about understanding yourself better, being choiceful, and considering the things you let into your life.
I love beautiful things. Beauty is one of my biggest drivers. I started to discern and label the two types of purchases I noticed. Some were ego purchases, and others were soul purchases. Now I make soul purchases. It's not mindless; it's intentional. It's because it brings me joy and not just joy in the moment, a dopamine hit, but real joy long term. I love everything in my home and have started appreciating free space so much.
A lot of the successful women we work with have got all the measures of success. They've got a fantastic house and all these beautiful clothes and things, but because they've got so much of it, they can't enjoy it because there's stuff everywhere and it's not organised.
You can see this frustration in them; what's going on? I've done everything, but I'm still not getting that feeling and sense of peace and calm in my house.
We can often see the internal pain and struggles there. We can help them on their journey, but we know that sometimes you’ve got to do the deep work. Otherwise, the behavioural things and habits still carry on. It is a journey.
If there is somebody out there and this resonates with them, they can see some of this in themselves. What's the one thing you would say to them that they should do to start getting themselves out of this place and moving away from that pain?
Hmm, great question. Big question. It can be different for everyone. The first thing that comes to mind is to be conscious of catching yourself when you're just trying to do the quick fix or if it's trendy and hot right now. Suppose the underlying theme or frame is that you think you need to be more disciplined or learn a new strategy. That's not it.
One of the things I observe with clients is when they have a significant internal identity shift, there's often this extreme craving to change the environment and move out their furniture.
It can happen the other way too. If they've contacted you, it's happening in the environment first. Follow your intuition and your inspiration, and allow yourself to be drawn to the things that feel good.
That's how it started for me. I remember there were a couple of people I followed. I remember thinking, she's speaking to me, and I feel connected. I feel a rapport. And even though it felt terrifying, this is the big thing.
They have to remember, it's going to feel terrifying. You won’t always know for certain if it’s “right” thing and will never feel like the “right” time. You HAVE to trust yourself and follow the inspiration when it’s there.
Brilliant, brilliant advice. And so lastly, Alex, if somebody out wants to get in touch and potentially work with you, what's the best way for them to do that?
Thank you, Lisa. I'm primarily on LinkedIn, and I'm also on Instagram. I like to talk to people. Drop me a DM, and then we can jump on a call. You can also join my mailing list if you prefer to do that first (website)
Follow Alex on LinkedIn. Her posts touch a nerve. If you're looking for a new path, you’ll find some inspiration and motivation to get you on that journey.
Alex, it's been so much fun talking to you today. I've enjoyed it, and some real nuggets of wisdom in there, so I appreciate it.
Thanks, Lisa. Appreciate you. Always a delight to connect with you.