Negotiating Your Worth (at work and home)

Glin Bayley is the Value Negotiator – a negotiation consultant who trains some of Australia's largest corporates to get more value from their business dealings. But, her focus is on enhancing the negotiation skills of the individual. She says, "It's not about what people do, it's about who they become".

As a non-executive director and global finance professional of 20 years, her CV is impressive. Having run her own executive coaching business for several years and trained with a worldwide negotiation consultancy, the blending of her skills has made her an absolute powerhouse in this space. 

Glin is also hugely passionate about supporting women to value themselves. To be able to negotiate their worth in the workplace and in the home.

Glin Bayley - The Value Negotiator

Why do you think good negotiation skills are essential for women?

Well, it's all about confidence in negotiating your own worth.

One of the things I'd observed in my career was that I often hesitated to negotiate for a higher salary because I believed my hard work would speak for itself. You work hard and want others to notice how good you are. Then you get some measly increase at the end of the year. And you feel like you're being cheated.

There's this dialogue in your head saying, why wasn't I good enough? Or why didn't I get that outcome?

Negotiating is a skill I wish I had had earlier in my career. It would've helped me with my self-worth and ability to articulate this. Also, if I'd understood the dynamics and the needs of the other person (e.g., my boss or a prospective employer), I could have positioned myself better to get the desired outcomes.

Before learning the art of negotiation, I saw it as a commercial tool. But, it's a life skill. A skill that can be applied to many aspects of your life, be it moving jobs, buying a house, or even negotiating with your partner.

Good negotiation skills help you value yourself at home and at work.

Do you see any differences between the way men and women negotiate? Is it true that women often shy away from negotiating?

A few factors come into play when it comes to gender. Various studies have been done that argue the case either way. Including that women ask as much as men. And the results they get differ based on their asking.

And then other studies say women don't ask enough. So, depending on which study you're reading, you will get different perspectives. Age, experience and industry have an impact too.

But from my experience, I've seen that when women ask, the way they are experienced and received by others is less favourable than men. It's almost expected that men will ask. Men have the confidence to say, I deserve this. But if a woman is presenting herself to say, I deserve this because I've done X, Y, and Z, it's seen differently.

There's an unconscious bias that's present. Like we get told when we're younger, if we're assertive, we're bossy, right? So, it's unconscious bias - socially and culturally, it's still not the norm for women to be in their power. To set the expectations that their value needs to be recognised.

There's still the patriarchy trying to say, "Hold on a minute, don't get ahead of yourself. Who do you think you are? Let's put you back where you need to be because you still have many things to learn and improve.

When women negotiate, they're more likely to face negotiation from a collaborative perspective. They're better at negotiating for others than they are for themselves.

Whereas men are stereotypically more self-oriented. They're comfortable with competitive negotiations that focus on them winning versus what's going to serve the greater good.

The fear of conflict will hold women from having conversations about pay rises. And therefore, the two stereotypes play out.

Men get more. Women, when they ask, might get more. But also, they must work on negotiating to prevent them from being disliked. Men don't have to worry about their likability factor when they negotiate. Women do because the reality and the culture we're still in require women to be likable. There is a different expectation of men.

Fighting the patriarchy - the culture we're still in requires women to be likable in negotiations

This frustrates me so much, Glin. I can recall an experience I went through when I was moving into an internal role. I subsequently discovered that the salary I was offered was significantly less than all the males (most of whom I had more experience than) at the same level in the business. It would've been so easy to have accepted it. You assume the managers are doing the right thing. Thankfully, I didn't. I did negotiate and ended up with a salary that was at the same level.

If you're not on the ball with it and think I need to get the best outcome, you can quickly end up behind. You can't rely on managers to operate fairly. They still don't in many businesses because of their unconscious bias.

It scares me, Lisa because we both have a finance background and are very aware of the compounding effect. So, it's not just you lose $5,000 this year. It's what that $5,000 is worth if you put it into a savings account for the next 25 to 30 years. And not only that, but it's also your super. Your super is a percentage of your salary. If your salary is lower, then your super is impacted. The compounding effect over the years is hundreds of thousands, not just the $5,000 you didn't negotiate for.

And I know it isn't easy. How you value yourself plays a critical role in your ability to negotiate. Do you believe you are worthy of the extra money? Because your ability to ask for what you think you deserve is based on your intrinsic worth.

Often, you confuse your intrinsic worth and substitute it for what people tell you your extrinsic value is.

There's a market rate for the role, and that's extrinsic, which is fine. But if the market rate is not aligned with your sense of worth, or you're paid under the market. You'll never ask for even the extrinsic level because your sense of self and intrinsic value isn't grounded enough.

Successful negotiation at work and at home - starts with believing you are worth it.

Excellent point, Glin.  So, how important is researching the market before you go into a salary negotiation?

Critical! Because you're arming yourself with information grounded in logic and rationality, women need that more than men.

Men will care less about the research because they have plenty of role models around them in top jobs. They're more likely to pick up the phone and say, hey mate, how are you doing and ask how much they're earning.

Women don't do that. Sharing within a trusted circle is critical because if another woman can go, oh, well, if she's getting that, I should be able to get that. You are empowering someone to see what's possible for themselves. Reaching a fair, adequate benchmark for the external value of your work.

The extrinsic value is still very different to your intrinsic value. If you don't believe intrinsically, you're worth it. It doesn't matter what the market tells you. You'll rely on someone else to see your value and be generous enough to give you a market rate. Instead of demanding what you know you are worth.

Working on your view of your value is hard. Because of all the programming we get exposed to as women? Telling us we aren't up to scratch. It's like decluttering your life. It's not just about getting rid of the stuff; it's about understanding why we hold onto things or why we buy so much in the first place.

You must curate your salary and your income stream. And as I said, if it becomes a life skill, you negotiate everything. Your house purchase, your car purchase, your opportunity to get a new role, your opportunity to negotiate the chores that your partner does. Your chance to negotiate without conflict when things get difficult in life.

There are so many aspects to the skill of negotiation that don't just serve you at a monetary level. It's also the ability to navigate difficult situations and communicate more effectively.

But it all comes down to how you value yourself as an individual.

You are worth all those things. You are worth a salary at the market rate. Absolutely. You are worth sharing the load at home. You are worth negotiating the price of a service you want.

What are the one or two key things when it comes to negotiating to focus on? To get a better outcome than you're getting today?

Start with understanding yourself first - before you can understand others. If you can understand your discomfort, the areas you're avoiding or where you stop yourself from getting what you want.

It's really confronting to look at a long list of ‘here are all the ways I stop myself from getting what I want’. Because you might tell yourself a story in my head, oh, that's impossible, or I don't believe I can get that. Write these things down.

What you think of yourself isn't necessarily the perception someone else has of you.

So, it's essential to look at these points and then ask, 'What's reality?' what are they thinking rather than what I think?

Secondly, work on a vision and strategy – Where do you want to be? What steps need to be executed for you to get that life?

Thinking further about what you want your life to look like allows you to start taking the appropriate actions.

And I'll give an example. Most people in a corporate environment will wait until their annual salary or performance review to be told what their increase is. And then experience that feeling of disappointment or frustration of, oh my God, I've been undervalued. 

A few, at best, will then try to challenge it. Most will accept it with this deep sense of resignation - that feels really shitty.

Instead, talk with your manager 12 months in advance, asking and sharing what high performance looks like. And tell them what you expect your salary increase to be when you hit those high performance measures. It might sound bold, but you're putting the ball in their court to tell you why that's not possible so you align on expectations and rewards upfront. Every month, you've got to drive those check-ins to confirm you’re on track in their view. You don't want to be caught out.  So, in 12 months, when your boss tells you your increase you aren’t surprised because you’re likely to know what it is upfront. Have a review at the six-month point to make sure you’re absolutely on track and they’re doing what they need to ensure your increase. You want to avoid risking them reneging on any commitment. It's a very different way of operating.

Having a strategy and then executing it is critical.

Finally, focus on value collaboration. The biggest area where women get stuck is this sense of, oh my God, I'm a taker. And most women, as I've said, are better at creating value for others and negotiating on behalf of others than they are themselves. So, how can you make this a win-win? So instead of you worrying about asking for a $15k pay rise and then being seen to be taking. How can you create value so your boss feels like they're a legend, too?

Because women have a superpower of collaboration and lifting communities. If you can find the people to lift and endorse you, you'll be more likely to be seen as a value creator.

You'll also be building your intrinsic worth because how good does it feel to help someone else and help yourself in the process too?

But there will always be those organisations that don't value you, regardless of your approach, right?

Yes, you must know your worth because if you are in an environment that doesn't value you, over time, that will impact your self-esteem. The external environment is reinforcing your internal narrative of I'm not worthy.

The longer you stay in those environments, the unhealthier it becomes.

Setting those clear boundaries – what are you prepared to accept, and for how long. And what are you prepared to do if this doesn't support you?

I've recently walked away from some consulting work. I wasn't getting paid the amount agreed because the goalposts kept changing.

And I thought to myself, I can easily stick with this. It's enjoyable work, but my value is so much higher. 

I had to be willing to walk away and say, I'm sorry, I'm not working for that. Internally I felt I would rather earn no money and sit on the beach all day because that's worth more to me than being perceived by him as someone who's not that valuable.

It took two weeks until I got a phone call, and he agreed to all my terms.

Like decluttering your life, you must do the inner work to get the desired outcome. Because you will only have those difficult conversations or make those hard decisions externally if you value and understand yourself.

I guess the same applies if you're a business owner– people will say oh, you're so expensive compared to others. And some people will always only look at the $ value of what they are paying for. They may not consider the broader significance of the impact on their life. It could be time saved, the effect on their mental health, or a change in their mindset. The value of changing their life. As business owners, we must be able to articulate our worth.

It's a fundamental shift in mindset.

Yes, it is. It's like having a cleaner. I look at it and go, well, what's my hourly rate? Versus a cleaner's hourly rate? And if the cleaner's hourly rate is less than mine (which it absolutely is), why wouldn't I outsource that activity and buy back my time. That's time I can spend doing the things I value higher than the value I've just paid for the cleaning.

And it's the compounding benefit to your life of what you do with that time. Improving your mental health by going for a walk on the beach. Or spending time focussing on the kids. Or going to the gym. Or working to grow your business. Spending time with your partner. The benefits of all these things compound. Versus spending time cleaning your house, which doesn't.

Well, look, thank you, Glin. It's been such a valuable chat and so many great takeaways.

If you want more of Glin’s golden nuggets of advice, you can follow her on LinkedIn

Glin has very kindly offered a discount on her self-paced salary negotiation course. If you pop in the code MCL (using this link), you will get this fantastic course for just $99 (until the end of December), normally priced at $197.You are worth it.

PS - If you aren’t negotiating with your partner on balancing the chores in your home because you don’t know how to start a conversation. Download the unpaid work checklist here and start with the facts of everything you do.